Healthy Sexual Development

The Colorado Department of Early Childhood, in partnership with Illuminate Colorado, provides guidelines for nurturing healthy development for children ages 0-12. These guidelines ensure adults interacting with children possess the basic knowledge and skills to foster healthy sexual growth and development in children.

Ages Zero to Two

During this age, teach correct names of body parts and use language that doesn’t make children feel bad to help promote a positive view of the human body.

Common behaviors include:

Boys having erections during diaper changes
Exploring genitals, like other parts of their body, because it feels good (self-soothing)
Liking being naked
Liking to be held and touched
Learning about love and trust from caregivers and parents
Developing a positive/negative body image

	
      Consideration for Adults:
		Examples of Responses:
    
		Consideration for Adults:
Teach children the correct names of body parts (i.e. penis, vagina). This can be done while teaching the names of other parts of the body and doesn’t have to feel awkward.
      Examples of Responses:
This is your elbow. This is your nose. This is your vagina. These are your toes.
    
      Consideration for Adults:
During this stage, children begin to develop a sense of self. It is important to meet their emotions and questions with understanding, acceptance, and respect.
      Examples of Responses:
I can see that you want to put your shoes on but the laces are still tied. You look frustrated. Would you like some help?
    
      Consideration for Adults:
This is also a time when children develop trust. It is important to not coerce children to give displays of affection they don’t want to give (i.e., Give Aunt Susie a hug.) This can be difficult and may feel like you will hurt a relative or friend’s feelings, but you are allowing your child to set their personal boundaries and that is a good step in development.
      Examples of Responses:
Sometimes we like touching and sometimes we don’t. Touching is never a secret.

It looks like Sam doesn’t want a hug. Sam, would you like to give a high five or a wave instead?

Consideration for Adults:	Examples of Responses:
Consideration for Adults: Teach children the correct names of body parts (i.e. penis, vagina). This can be done while teaching the names of other parts of the body and doesn’t have to feel awkward.	Examples of Responses: This is your elbow. This is your nose. This is your vagina. These are your toes.
Consideration for Adults: During this stage, children begin to develop a sense of self. It is important to meet their emotions and questions with understanding, acceptance, and respect.	Examples of Responses: I can see that you want to put your shoes on but the laces are still tied. You look frustrated. Would you like some help?
Consideration for Adults: This is also a time when children develop trust. It is important to not coerce children to give displays of affection they don’t want to give (i.e., Give Aunt Susie a hug.) This can be difficult and may feel like you will hurt a relative or friend’s feelings, but you are allowing your child to set their personal boundaries and that is a good step in development.	Examples of Responses: Sometimes we like touching and sometimes we don’t. Touching is never a secret. It looks like Sam doesn’t want a hug. Sam, would you like to give a high five or a wave instead?

Ages Two to Four

During this age, consider teaching basic information about reproduction, teaching children about boundaries, and encouraging a basic understanding of privacy.

Common behaviors include:

Beginning to understand their gender identity and starting to “play house”; pretending to be the opposite gender
Toilet training; wanting to watch others use the bathroom
Talking about bodily functions and asking questions
Showing private parts to others and trying to touch private parts of those close to them
Liking being naked and trying to see others naked
Undressing dolls to see their private parts
Self-soothing (masturbation) for comfort or rocking against something in public

	
      Consideration for Adults:
		Examples of Responses:
    
		Consideration for Adults:
Children at this age are very curious and may ask questions about bodies and reproduction. Respond to their questions in age-appropriate, accurate, and non-shaming ways.
      Examples of Responses:
People have many body parts that are the same and some that are different. Some people have a penis and other people have a vagina. Our bodies are good and special and deserve respect.
    
      Consideration for Adults:
If children’s curiosity makes you embarrassed or confused, take a deep breath. If you still feel uncomfortable, it can be helpful to practice responding in non-shaming ways in front of a mirror or with a partner or friend.
      Examples of Responses:
That’s a great question. Thank you for asking me. I want to think about that for a little bit before I answer. I am going to think about what you asked and we can talk about it later before you go to bed.
    
      Consideration for Adults:
Children at this stage start to learn that they have the right to have boundaries and that others have the same right. For adults, it is important to make sure that children’s boundaries are respected. This means that adults should ask for permission before giving children hugs, kisses, etc. and that they should respect when children do not want to touch.
      Examples of Responses:
Sometimes we like to touch and sometimes we don’t. Touching is never a secret.

It looks like Sam might not want a hug right now. Maybe he could give a high five or a wave.

Consideration for Adults:	Examples of Responses:
Consideration for Adults: Children at this age are very curious and may ask questions about bodies and reproduction. Respond to their questions in age-appropriate, accurate, and non-shaming ways.	Examples of Responses: People have many body parts that are the same and some that are different. Some people have a penis and other people have a vagina. Our bodies are good and special and deserve respect.
Consideration for Adults: If children’s curiosity makes you embarrassed or confused, take a deep breath. If you still feel uncomfortable, it can be helpful to practice responding in non-shaming ways in front of a mirror or with a partner or friend.	Examples of Responses: That’s a great question. Thank you for asking me. I want to think about that for a little bit before I answer. I am going to think about what you asked and we can talk about it later before you go to bed.
Consideration for Adults: Children at this stage start to learn that they have the right to have boundaries and that others have the same right. For adults, it is important to make sure that children’s boundaries are respected. This means that adults should ask for permission before giving children hugs, kisses, etc. and that they should respect when children do not want to touch.	Examples of Responses: Sometimes we like to touch and sometimes we don’t. Touching is never a secret. It looks like Sam might not want a hug right now. Maybe he could give a high five or a wave.

Ages Four to Six

During this age, consider teaching basic information about reproduction, teaching children about boundaries, and encouraging a basic understanding of privacy.

Common behaviors include:

Continuing self-soothing and starting to understand that it should be done in private
Asking questions about sexuality or reproduction
Starting to want privacy when dressing or using the bathroom
Talking to other children or adults about bodily functions and showing curiosity about adult bodies; using “naughty” words they might not understand
Playing “house” and “doctor”; mimicking adults by kissing or holding hands

	
      Consideration for Adults:
		Examples of Responses:
    
		Consideration for Adults:
Children at this stage will ask questions about reproduction like, “Where do babies come from?” Use age-appropriate language to explain the basics. This will meet their need for information, without giving too much detail.
      Examples of Responses:
That’s a really good question. What do you think?

Babies grow in a special place called a uterus. They start out as a very small egg. The baby grows in the uterus until it is ready to come out.

      Consideration for Adults:
Continue to encourage and respect privacy. This may be hard in larger households where privacy is not a given. Remember that self-soothing is common and that children at this age can begin to understand the difference between public and private.
      Examples of Responses:
Self-soothing (touching your penis/vagina) is something that we do in private, not in public. Public places are places where everyone can be, like our living room, kitchen, and dining room. Private places are places where other people need to ask for permission before entering. Private places in our house are the bathroom and your bedroom.
    
      Consideration for Adults:
Teach children about boundaries. Let children know their bodies belong to them and they can say no to unwanted touch. Don’t force children to have physical contact with others if it makes the child uncomfortable (i.e., kissing a relative.) Doing so tells the child their feelings about their boundaries may not matter. Encourage children to respect the boundaries of others, as well.
      Examples of Responses:
Sometimes we like to touch and sometimes we don’t. Touching is never a secret.

We don’t touch someone who says ‘no touching’.

Consideration for Adults:	Examples of Responses:
Consideration for Adults: Children at this stage will ask questions about reproduction like, “Where do babies come from?” Use age-appropriate language to explain the basics. This will meet their need for information, without giving too much detail.	Examples of Responses: That’s a really good question. What do you think? Babies grow in a special place called a uterus. They start out as a very small egg. The baby grows in the uterus until it is ready to come out.
Consideration for Adults: Continue to encourage and respect privacy. This may be hard in larger households where privacy is not a given. Remember that self-soothing is common and that children at this age can begin to understand the difference between public and private.	Examples of Responses: Self-soothing (touching your penis/vagina) is something that we do in private, not in public. Public places are places where everyone can be, like our living room, kitchen, and dining room. Private places are places where other people need to ask for permission before entering. Private places in our house are the bathroom and your bedroom.
Consideration for Adults: Teach children about boundaries. Let children know their bodies belong to them and they can say no to unwanted touch. Don’t force children to have physical contact with others if it makes the child uncomfortable (i.e., kissing a relative.) Doing so tells the child their feelings about their boundaries may not matter. Encourage children to respect the boundaries of others, as well.	Examples of Responses: Sometimes we like to touch and sometimes we don’t. Touching is never a secret. We don’t touch someone who says ‘no touching’.

Ages Six to Eight

During this age, consider discussing the physical changes that happen during puberty, reinforce the importance of privacy, and explain the basics of human reproduction.

Common behaviors include:

Comparing body parts to peer-age friends; having strong same-sex friendships
Talking about having a boyfriend or girlfriend
Self-touching for the purpose of pleasure
A deeper understanding of gender roles (following or going against)
Playing games with same-aged peers related to sexuality (like “Truth or Dare”)
Talking about or telling jokes related to body parts or functions with friends; using slang words
Drawing genitals on human figures when they are portrayed nude

	
      Consideration for Adults:
		Examples of Responses:
    
		Consideration for Adults:
It is normal for children to experience puberty at different rates and ages. Children often have a lot of questions about puberty but do not feel comfortable asking them. Use non-shaming language to explain what can be expected during puberty. If you get stuck on what to say, there are several great books for both adults and children.
      Examples of Responses:
Every person is different and puberty starts at different ages for different children.

During puberty, there are changes that happen to your body. These changes are...

Puberty also brings about a lot of feelings. It’s normal to feel excited, scared, confused, or a mixture of all of those things. If you ever want to talk to me or ask any questions, I am here to talk. I will check in with you every once in a while to see if there is anything you want to talk about.

      Consideration for Adults:
Share your values related to sexuality. Have conversations about treating boys and girls equally, for example. Talk about different sexual orientations and promote a supportive understanding of how children experience gender identity.
      Examples of Responses:
Everyone has the right to have their bodies, feelings, and ways of expressing themselves respected. 

It is important to respect other people’s bodies, feelings, and ways of expressing themselves.
    
      Consideration for Adults:
Children begin to talk about “sex” on the playground during this stage. It is important to continue talks about sexual reproduction and address any myths the child has encountered. Discourage the use of derogatory or inappropriate terms they may have heard.
      Examples of Responses:
I heard some people at your school using the word ‘slut’ on the playground today. When I heard that, it made me uncomfortable. That word is used as a put-down, usually when talking about girls/women. It is not a respectful or nice word.

Consideration for Adults:	Examples of Responses:
Consideration for Adults: It is normal for children to experience puberty at different rates and ages. Children often have a lot of questions about puberty but do not feel comfortable asking them. Use non-shaming language to explain what can be expected during puberty. If you get stuck on what to say, there are several great books for both adults and children.	Examples of Responses: Every person is different and puberty starts at different ages for different children. During puberty, there are changes that happen to your body. These changes are... Puberty also brings about a lot of feelings. It’s normal to feel excited, scared, confused, or a mixture of all of those things. If you ever want to talk to me or ask any questions, I am here to talk. I will check in with you every once in a while to see if there is anything you want to talk about.
Consideration for Adults: Share your values related to sexuality. Have conversations about treating boys and girls equally, for example. Talk about different sexual orientations and promote a supportive understanding of how children experience gender identity.	Examples of Responses: Everyone has the right to have their bodies, feelings, and ways of expressing themselves respected. It is important to respect other people’s bodies, feelings, and ways of expressing themselves.
Consideration for Adults: Children begin to talk about “sex” on the playground during this stage. It is important to continue talks about sexual reproduction and address any myths the child has encountered. Discourage the use of derogatory or inappropriate terms they may have heard.	Examples of Responses: I heard some people at your school using the word ‘slut’ on the playground today. When I heard that, it made me uncomfortable. That word is used as a put-down, usually when talking about girls/women. It is not a respectful or nice word.

Ages Eight to Twelve

During this age, continue discussing the changes that occur during puberty, reinforce that everyone has the right to refuse touch from anyone at any time, and that we need to respect that others have the same right.

Common behaviors include:

Looking to peers, media, and other sources for sexuality information; peers becoming very important
May talk about sex with friends; seeking out pictures and stories
Feeling anxious and curious about puberty
Comparing self to same-sex peers in terms of physical development and sexual knowledge
May feel shy asking questions about sex to caregivers and parents and/or may act like they already know all the answers
Sexual attraction for children of the same and/or opposite gender may begin
Sexual orientation is usually known or suspected by this age
Rapid mood swings are normal
Beginning to develop an emerging sense of self as a young adult

	
      Consideration for Adults:
		Examples of Responses:
    
		Consideration for Adults:
Children continue to develop boundaries, and discussions around consent are very important. Children need to know they have the right to say “no” to anyone touching their bodies, and they need to respect that right in others. This concept can be incorporated not only in talks about sex but also in talks about respecting their friends when someone asks them to stop doing something they don’t like (i.e., tickling or any kind of touching).
      Examples of Responses:
Everyone has the right to have their boundaries respected.

Everyone has the responsibility to respect other people’s boundaries.

It is important to look at what someone is saying and look at what their body language is telling us so that we can be sure not to cross their boundaries.

      Consideration for Adults:
Continue to use non-shaming language to discuss puberty, masturbation, and privacy. Puberty and masturbation are normal stages of development and can be difficult to talk about, but children are talking to their peers about these issues, and you want information coming from you or another adult.
      Examples of Responses:
Have regular check-ins or conversations about puberty, sexuality, and/or related topics.

Consideration for Adults:	Examples of Responses:
Consideration for Adults: Children continue to develop boundaries, and discussions around consent are very important. Children need to know they have the right to say “no” to anyone touching their bodies, and they need to respect that right in others. This concept can be incorporated not only in talks about sex but also in talks about respecting their friends when someone asks them to stop doing something they don’t like (i.e., tickling or any kind of touching).	Examples of Responses: Everyone has the right to have their boundaries respected. Everyone has the responsibility to respect other people’s boundaries. It is important to look at what someone is saying and look at what their body language is telling us so that we can be sure not to cross their boundaries.
Consideration for Adults: Continue to use non-shaming language to discuss puberty, masturbation, and privacy. Puberty and masturbation are normal stages of development and can be difficult to talk about, but children are talking to their peers about these issues, and you want information coming from you or another adult.	Examples of Responses: Have regular check-ins or conversations about puberty, sexuality, and/or related topics.

Need help answering children’s questions about sexuality? Use the TALK Method.

When a question or situation of regarding sexual topics comes up, it is a good idea to take a few seconds before reacting.

You want the child to come back to you with future questions and thoughts. You want to be an “askable” adult. That does not mean that you will always know the answer, but it does mean you are open to being asked and willing to search for an answer.

If you are “askable,” you don’t need to have a perfect, well-thought-out answer ready every time. Talking about sexuality is not a one-time event. You will probably get another chance to talk about the subject, adding information and clarity.

T = Think about what’s being asked. What is going on here? Is there a question behind the question?

A = Ask the child what s/he thinks the answer is. This will give you information about what the child already knows or thinks, as well as help to clarify the question.

L = Listen to the child. And take time to sort out your emotions and the message you want to give. Decide when and where you want to communicate this message to the child. It is okay to take the time to decide on exactly what messages you want to convey.

K = Knowledge sharing. Share information and knowledge with respect, and at the child’s level of curiosity and understanding, keeping your answers simple and accurate.

(Adapted from Care for Kids Curriculum, The Leeds, Grenville and Lanark District Health Unit, 2000)

The Colorado Early Learning and Development Guidelines

Are you interested in learning about the expectations for your child's development based on their age? The Colorado Early Learning and Development Guidelines describe the path of children’s learning and development from birth to 8 years old. Broken down by age and major milestones, the guidelines are a sort of map, helping parents and caregivers navigate their child's early years. Experts from across Colorado developed these guidelines to create a shared understanding and a coordinated approach to learning and development.

Curious about what your little one is thinking at this age? Wondering what you can do to help them thrive and reach their developmental milestones? Check out the guidelines using the link below.

Browse the Guidelines

Download the Guidelines Document

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